January 2011
December 2010
“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be today.”
—Lawrence Krauss
The Best Recipes Ever.
My kindergarten teacher in Conrad, IA decided it would be a good idea to have the class compile a book of recipes. She then titled them all and handed a copy to each of us.
I need to find this teacher and buy her a shot.
Brandon’s Boastingly Good Cookies
“First you put in chocolate chips. Then put in sparkles. Next put in some M&M’s. Bake them in the microwave for twelve minutes.”
Laura’s Lavishing Good Oreo Dessert
“First you put in Oreo cookies and ice cream in a bowl. Then you put in two cups of milk. Mix and put in the freezer for two or three minutes.”
Cristina’s Compelling Christmas Cookies
“First you put in two cups of sugar. Then you put in three cups of flour. Next put in four cups of milk. Put in one egg. Mix. Put it in the oven for eight minutes.”
Chris’ Cute Pretzel Dinosaurs
“In a big bowl, put in two cups flour and one cup sugar. Then you frost them with cheese. Bake them at five and a half degrees for six minutes.”
Belén’s Blissfully Good Bars
“Put in one egg. Make them into Rice Krispie treats. Put peanut butter on them. Leave them to cool off and then eat them.”
Oh god. The horror.
Joanna’s Joyous Wacky Cake
“Put in one cup of sugar. Put in three cups of milk. Put in three cherries. Put in one drop of water. Beat in one drop of yellow sugar. Put in one drop of pine cone. Mix. Put it all in the oven on three million degrees. Bake for ten minutes.”
Rebecca’s Radiant Chicken Soup
“First you put in one glass of water. Then you buy a chicken at the store. Put it in the soup. Dump it in a big pan. Cook it for about eight times.”
Brittany’s Brilliant Ice Cream
“Put in chopped carrots. Then put cheese and a chopped apple in it. Then you put in eggs. Finally you put in some grapes and a little bit of oil. Put in some candy stars and mix. Put it in your freezer for a long time.”
Sarina’s Super Puppy Chow
“First you put the sugar in a cup and then dump it into the bowl. Put in three ounces of chocolate. Next put in half a jar of peanut butter. Mix. Spread on table. Then you have these little squares and you put it all in a bag and shake it.”
Jill’s Jubilant Cheesy Potato Casserole
“First you put in whipped cream in a pan. Put some hot water in with the whipped cream. Next, you put in some cheese. Make sure to put milk in. Finally, put in just one potato. Bake for three minutes in the microwave.”
Eric’s Excellent Banana Drop Cookies
“First you put in fourteen bananas. Then put in three or four cups of sugar. Put in a little bit of salt. A tablespoon. Put in mixer for one or two minutes. Put in a pan and then put in the microwave. Cook for five minutes. Then they are all done.”
Nichole’s Nabbing Krispie Bars
“First you put marshmallows in a big bowl. Then put a teaspoon full of water and then pour Rice Krispies into the big bowl. Then stir it. This is before you put anything else in: put butter in the marshmallows in the microwave. Cook it in the microwave for four minutes.”
Paul’s Great Granola Snack
“You put granola mix in a bowl. You can put peanuts in but it may not work. Then put Chex in. You bake it in the oven on Hot, Hot!! Leave it in the oven as long as you want.”
Bryan’s Choice Chocolate Chip Cookies
“First you crack two eggs. Put two and a half scoops of sugar in a big bowl. Pour the eggs into the big pan. Stir for awhile. Put in one bag of chocolate chips. Then put in one cup of brown sugar and then one-half cup more. Cook in the oven on five degrees Fahrenheit for six minutes.”
Richard’s Rich Cherry Pie
“Put in one-half cup of sugar. Mix ten cherries in a bowl with the sugar. Put in red food coloring. Pour it into a pan. Cook for one hour at ten degrees.”
And last but not least…
Jordan’s Jammin’ Sauce
“Put it in a pan and warm it up.”
Brb, buying fourteen bananas and cooking them for five minutes.
Black Sheep (Metric cover)
Belén Mata
Attn: Matthew Lee Jordan
“Black Sheep” - A Metric ukulele cover
The Best Recipes Ever.
My kindergarten teacher in Conrad, IA decided it would be a good idea to have the class compile a book of recipes. She then titled them all and handed a copy to each of us.
I need to find this teacher and buy her a shot.
Brandon’s Boastingly Good Cookies
“First you put in chocolate chips. Then put in sparkles. Next put in some M&M’s. Bake them in the microwave for twelve minutes.”
Laura’s Lavishing Good Oreo Dessert
“First you put in Oreo cookies and ice cream in a bowl. Then you put in two cups of milk. Mix and put in the freezer for two or three minutes.”
Cristina’s Compelling Christmas Cookies
“First you put in two cups of sugar. Then you put in three cups of flour. Next put in four cups of milk. Put in one egg. Mix. Put it in the oven for eight minutes.”
Chris’ Cute Pretzel Dinosaurs
“In a big bowl, put in two cups flour and one cup sugar. Then you frost them with cheese. Bake them at five and a half degrees for six minutes.”
Belén’s Blissfully Good Bars
“Put in one egg. Make them into Rice Krispie treats. Put peanut butter on them. Leave them to cool off and then eat them.”
Oh god. The horror.
Joanna’s Joyous Wacky Cake
“Put in one cup of sugar. Put in three cups of milk. Put in three cherries. Put in one drop of water. Beat in one drop of yellow sugar. Put in one drop of pine cone. Mix. Put it all in the oven on three million degrees. Bake for ten minutes.”
Rebecca’s Radiant Chicken Soup
“First you put in one glass of water. Then you buy a chicken at the store. Put it in the soup. Dump it in a big pan. Cook it for about eight times.”
Brittany’s Brilliant Ice Cream
“Put in chopped carrots. Then put cheese and a chopped apple in it. Then you put in eggs. Finally you put in some grapes and a little bit of oil. Put in some candy stars and mix. Put it in your freezer for a long time.”
Sarina’s Super Puppy Chow
“First you put the sugar in a cup and then dump it into the bowl. Put in three ounces of chocolate. Next put in half a jar of peanut butter. Mix. Spread on table. Then you have these little squares and you put it all in a bag and shake it.”
Jill’s Jubilant Cheesy Potato Casserole
“First you put in whipped cream in a pan. Put some hot water in with the whipped cream. Next, you put in some cheese. Make sure to put milk in. Finally, put in just one potato. Bake for three minutes in the microwave.”
Eric’s Excellent Banana Drop Cookies
“First you put in fourteen bananas. Then put in three or four cups of sugar. Put in a little bit of salt. A tablespoon. Put in mixer for one or two minutes. Put in a pan and then put in the microwave. Cook for five minutes. Then they are all done.”
Nichole’s Nabbing Krispie Bars
“First you put marshmallows in a big bowl. Then put a teaspoon full of water and then pour Rice Krispies into the big bowl. Then stir it. This is before you put anything else in: put butter in the marshmallows in the microwave. Cook it in the microwave for four minutes.”
Paul’s Great Granola Snack
“You put granilla mix in a bowl. You can put peanuts in but it may not work. Then put Chex in. You bake it in the oven on Hot, Hot!! Leave it in the oven as long as you want.”
Bryan’s Choice Chocolate Chip Cookies
“First you crack two eggs. Put two and a half scoops of sugar in a big bowl. Pour the eggs into the big pan. Stir for awhile. Put in one bag of chocolate chips. Then put in one cup of brown sugar and then one-half cup more. Cook in the oven on five degrees Fahrenheit for six minutes.”
Richard’s Rich Cherry Pie
“Put in one-half cup of sugar. Mix ten cherries in a bowl with the sugar. Put in red food coloring. Pour it into a pan. Cook for one hour at ten degrees.”
And last but not least…
Jordan’s Jammin’ Sauce
“Put it in a pan and warm it up.”
Brb, buying fourteen bananas and cooking them for five minutes.
Black Sheep (Metric cover)
Belén Mata
Attn: Matthew Lee Jordan
“Black Sheep” - A Metric ukulele cover
This is Belen and the reason as to why she is one of my favorite persons.
Christmas Day night, I get out of the shower and find my mother in my room with a gift bag. “Drew must have left this for you?” Drew is my older brother. I open the bag to find 17 burned CDs all of which are copies of all The Beatles’ CDs. There was a note saying it was from my “sorta secret Santa” and that “these should hold you over until you get the box set.”
I had no idea who sent them to me. My mom was so excited and just assumed a boy sent them. I was excited that I had ALL OF THE CDS BY THE BEATLES.
Lightbulb!
About a month back, I mentioned something about The Beatles being on iTunes finally. Also mentioning that all the albums could be purchased for about $150. Shortly after posing about this, I get a message lovely Belen asking for my address. Not knowing what it was needed for (I asked her if it was going to be some sort of gag gift, to which she responded, “Yes. A box of dildos” or something a long those lines) I gave it to her and made nothing of it.
She sent them. She had her boyfriend leave them on my porch for me just in time for Christmas. Just because.
This, my friends, is why I now have the deepest admiration for Belen. What kind of person does that? Someone who is marvelous inside and out. Lovely Belen, I must thank you again for the greatest Christmas gift I’ve ever received.
Next year, I expect Ringo Starr with a bottle of Andre and a note from Sir Paul explaining why he couldn’t make it, but hey, you’ve already done enough.
YOU WILL GET A BOX OF DILDOS AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.
I’m glad you liked your gift, sweetie. Have a great New Year!