Maybe it’s a good thing Ally and I went to separate colleges and consequently couldn’t room with each other. Currently, we’re in Chi-city, and Ally [who is snoring like an out of control, gutted wildebeest] is long gone. Due to my nocturnal habits, I’m awake with nothing to do, leaving me to my thoughts, which currently are…
Things I would totally do to Ally right now if I wasn’t afraid of being set on fire in retaliation [even though she may not think it was funny but she would totally laugh about it two weeks from now]:
- Cover her face in post-it notes.
- Crank my speakers up all the way and suddenly start blasting Madonna.
- Write the word “BALLS” across her forehead with a sharpie.
- Hide all her underwear.
- Turn the telly on, find some random channel showing some super uppity religious service, put the closed captioning on and read the words in a loud, monotone voice.
- Slather suntanning oil on her so she gets fried when we’re outside tomorrow.
- Cuddle up next to her, facing her. When she opens her eyes and sees me, I’ll grin manically and quietly say, “I’m going to hurt you.” [I’d like to say that one was original, but Jon already did that to Justin two years ago when they were shacked up together…]
- Take a picture of her with my obnoxiously large/bright flash, then post it on facebook.
- Draw 56 stars on her face with a sharpie so she looks like that dumb Belgian girl.
- Gently set her phone [which is currently set to vibrate] on her face, then call it.
- Put on some dance music, and turn the lamps on and off really fast while yelling, “WHOO! IT’S A RAVE!!!”
- Cough. Constantly.
- Pack everything up, haul it to the car, and sleep in my dad’s room; leaving her to wake up alone and wondering where I am, along with her things. Also, I’d jank both room keys in the process, because there’s a 75% chance she’s sleepin’ with no pants on; so if she frantically runs across the hallway and tries to wake me up, there’s no way for her to get back in the room…and I’m a very heavy sleeper, so I probably won’t hear her knocking…
Should I do it?
Edit: The room phone rang. After I got back from leaving, I ended up doing the lamp one while hitting her. She stared at me, asked “Are you done yet?” and then rolled over.
She has no recollection of it ever happening. She thought it was hilarious when I told her about it, though.
P.S. When she woke up, I managed to ask her in the creepiest voice I could fathom [unintentionally], “I wrote a list of things I was going to do to you while you were asleep.”
P.P.S. She was wearing pants.
- Luke: Ally, will you stop licking the door?
- Ally: ...Sorry. I'll stop.